I’m going to try to do this blog thing more often.
Rephrase – I’m not going to “try”, I’m “going to” do this.
WRITE. Wait, let me change my font, it’s driving me crazy.
I’m going to write without any judgement on myself. For some reason, it is a very difficult thing for me to do. I know I’m not alone in this though. I’ve done some reading..
I’m going to do this because I think it will be good for my soul, good practice for future endeavours, and something that’s 100% selfish. The good kind of selfish. Shellfish. What?
The hardest part about this, for me, is not knowing exactly what to write about. I don’t want to indulge in myself (even though it is my blog) because that would feel, well, self-indulgent. Although, sometimes all we have to offer others is our perspective, our experiences and our outlook. Since the beginning of time. So, I will most likely write a hell of a lot about myself(ie).*
*If you do choose to read my blog, please be prepared for a lot of dry, non-so-funny, self-indulgent/deprecating humour. Being from a large (loving + mental) family of 10 siblings, I’ve had a lot of empathetic, enabling laughter around my jokes since a young age. So, cut me some slack.
I’m currently writing from the patio of Go Get ‘Em Tiger!, on Larchmont in Los Angeles, on a Monday. It’s boppin’!* (see above) The weather is nice. I have a 4$ green tea beside me (over-priced) and my laptop, which I thankfully retrieved after leaving it on my flight from Nashville on Saturday. Lot’s on my mind, I guess. What’s on my mind?
I have no idea what my true purpose is right now!! Aside from following my heart, which seems to be one of the things I do really well (that and music, I’ve been told, but I question that one often, too). As with all circumstance, so many little things (including the heart thing) have brought me to this very moment. I don’t feel incredibly prepared for what’s next, to be honest. I’m relatively settled in who I am though, and what I want. I know what I don’t like, that’s for sure. I’m trying to get good at not spending my time with people with whom I get nothing out of intellectually, spiritually or emotionally. This is tough too, as I’m a people pleaser. Yuck. *I also would like to incorporate “with whom” into my vocabulary more often.
I’m a musician, sometimes actress, I think. On good days I feel like I know what I’m doing. Or, let’s be honest and human — when people are praising me, I really feel like I know what I’m doing. On quiet days, I feel like no one cares, I don’t even care, and I dive into moments of severe and irrational self-doubt. This is good to know. It’s funny hearing myself write this, because I see a catch-22. I do what I want in the moment because I’m (as stubborn as hell) looking for my truth, but after the fact, I’m waiting for the affirmation. If I’m going to drive toward the former, I need to let go of the latter. Easy, right? I tell myself this all the time. Life does tend to give you exactly what you need.
Feelings aren’t real. Weird huh? Spill your truth, love your vulnerability.
I’ve always enjoyed writing and sharing personal experiences. Although I’m quite private, maybe something I share can help someone else on their journey. I also like to make people laugh, so this is a nice little outlet for me… (cue, “aww, Alexz is so considerate… sigh”). I want to watch my language though. I still believe in grace and try to lean towards the classy side of things, no matter how edgy or dirty this industry (world) can make you. Or tries to make you.
I’m trekking some new territory in my life right now guys! Between a past chapter and the next one. These times are kinda scary, but amazing. You need to dig. (I) need to dig. Maybe you too, I don’t know.. Let’s do a little re-cap for the hell of it since I haven’t posted here since my European tour, shall we?
On the music end. Releasing my latest album “Let ‘Em Eat Cake” via pledge was actually a weight lifted considering how long the process was, and even more than that, how unique it was a&ring my own album. If you’re an artist, I’m sure you know the drive to get your art as far as you can take it, into as many people’s peripherals as possible. You also know it’s important to have a mentor. Someone you can bounce your vibe off of. Someone who gets you. Life is a learning curve, and you can only make the best decision that you feel in the moment. I almost feel like I saved the album close to the end of the race, to be honest. I learned a lot this past year, and I’m thankful for that. I was in the midst of working with a pr team and shuffling out every penny I had from my merchandise sales to try to get my just released album seen on some other platforms other than my twitter, fb, & instagram (which, thanks to you, exists). It was tough, and even with a Grammy winning producer behind me, almost impossible. It’s not the rejection that’s tough… because that just comes with life… and I’m an actress so, I’m used to that territory. It’s the impossibility of being given a chance to truly get a leg up as an independent artist, let me rephrase, the ability to continue creating independently, is the tough part. I’m not talking “signed to an independent label with support”, I’m also not speaking for every independent artist, I’m talking about a girl who’s spending every last cent of her sales and touring earnings into her music, back into her tours, and her pr. Having a fan base is a gift, but it isn’t enough. I’ve been offered deals, but that’s a route that could be worse for wear based on how unstable majors are nowadays. Also, I’ve been shelved twice. Would you touch that stove again..? In the end, it isn’t even about quality. It’s the luck of the right person pushing the right button, at the right time. It can feel impossible sometimes..
The beauty of it though, as Jay-Z once stated “The genius thing we did was, we didn’t give up.”
We keep going.
We have no choice. It’s the voice, it’s the drive, it’s the whisper that tells you you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be (which can be such a pain!). I’m not sure how many artists will admit it, but deep down, you’re hoping someone you admire and love will tell you to give up… just stop. Move on and be practical with your life. For whatever reason. I actually believe I’m a little insane.
This isn’t every day mantra, but it does get dark.
I’ve learned to really manage my expectations.
Constantly being thankful for the opportunity to have put out a few albums and ep’s that came from a place of truth, during that time of my journey.
I can only hope the world spins to my beat and offers me the chance to continue touring and the heart to keep writing (without having to shave my head, or free the nipple).
I’m writing. I’m sculpting my music, a few music videos in the works and most importantly working on my soul.
You have to work for happiness, you know. It doesn’t land on your doorstep.
I guess by the end of this entry, this is me, sharing with you. Simple as that. Maybe I’ll start a punk band called The Spoilers. Or, maybe I’ll never write in this shitty thing again.
Let’s see what tomorrow brings!
What a ride.
PS. You can vote for me to be able to fund a music video from my latest album at StoryHive: http://www.storyhive.com/project/show/id/484
Or don’t, it’s all good.
I’m going to close this now. I won’t edit or change a thing.